I pause. I take a moment to be in this moment as I sip sweet Riesling and listen to Alicia Keys. (Plus dare myself to use ‘moment’ in a sentence more than once. Ahem, thrice. Thank you parenthesis. Sigh.)
Anyways- This is my official welcome back to this buh-log. I obviously have not posted in awhile and trust me the anxiety level and guilt were there in my head behind all the million of other things I have been thinking about this month. It has been a hard month. Have you ever heard that philosophy of a good year, then a bad year, then a good year again? Like god forbid you have two good years in a row right? I also find it true that the end of a bad year is just plain terrible, like somehow worse than the rest of the crappy year.
(DISCLAIMER: I’d like to take a moment here before I continue, just to admit that I do recognize my privilege and my good fortune. This is not to avoid the dreaded comments of “pshh people have it worse than you”. I know. I would be one of the most empathetic people you have ever met. I cry every time someone else cries or is on the verge of crying but can’t because they are emotionally wrecked from having a parent scream at them when they were 7 for tearing up at Bambi. The point is that I want to share raw and honest stories and experiences without having the guilt that I do in fact, in some ways, have it better than others and because of this my feelings or experiences aren’t valid. They are. So here we go.)
The 8th of November will go down as one of the worst days of my life. Actually that’s not true. The 9th of November will go down as one of the worst days of my life. That’s when I actually woke up to the news. It’s so bad that I don’t want to talk about it. Besides that, my month has just been crazy. I am learning to do a huge & important task at work while doing it. If you don’t already know, I put an astronomical amount of pressure on myself and I devoted a ton of my mental space to that. The other spots were rented out to worrying about money, not being with family for the holidays, and the big life questions like “what do I want to do as a career at 26 because the one I went to school for did not pan out” and “what’s another excuse I can use to binge eat chocolate candies without feeling guilty about it?”
I had all these goals for November, worse than that…I have documented proof that I had all these goals for November. You can read the second to last post I made for reference ; | Yeah…I don’t think any of those things happened.
Another part of taking a break from this was because I was stifled by the perfection and mold I was trying to live up to. I love taking and looking at beautifully styled flatlays and have tons of these stored for later, but I was mainly playing pretend. You know when you are a child and you play pretend? You pretend to be the mom and you send your bf Lindsay to her room for not doing her chores? And then you and Lindsay bicker because she now wants to be the mom? Well, I was pretending that I didn’t bicker and I didn’t have problems and everything was simple and perfect and pretty. I want so badly to be one of those bloggers. The ones that can afford to buy $25 metallic ‘yay’ balloons from Paper Source and put their Whole Foods guac in cute floral dishes. (I’m not hating. I love them.) I just needed something else. Something more. I will still aim to take cute and pretty styled flatlays you would at least heart on Pinterest, but I want to tell more honest stories. I want to connect with people on a more emotional level. That’s why I decided to go to art school anyway. So ha! art snob cliques, deceptive school counselors, and dismantled life goals – I will make my own way in life and maybe even pursue hiking the PCT, because that’s what ladies do.
Live Happy — Shaunna