I sit pondering my life. I’ve been walking around aimlessly for far too long. I’ve had my outlets, including this blog, but I’m mainly a blind anxious puppy looking for a good home. I’m a walking, talking, dancing fool and I want to be set free from these confinements I have custody over. As a 26-year-old I have been navigating my life through salty tears, indecisive notions on what I want, and subtle strength I’m reminded of in times of desperation.
I have no bounds when it comes to interests, yet, I do not have the privilege to be protected from the harsh realities of the world. I have to make a living, and therefore sacrifice some dreams to keep a roof over my head. The things that I want are so contradictory of each other, that there is no right path for me to follow. I aspire for simplicity, but I cannot focus on one single thing unless I have multiple things to think about. I am desperate to travel around the world, yet my basic human needs for my entire adult life have been aimed toward stability — a house, a place of my own that is a constant I can always return to. Mine. I want to dedicate myself to a career, but I would have a mental breakdown if I didn’t have time designated for my own passions. As I’ve said…a walking, talking, dancing catch-22.
For the past three years I have been struggling, moving, starting over, ready to give up, and fighting some more. The amount of times I have compared my life to my peers is astounding. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we have this innate philosophy (feeling?) in us that screams from the top of mountains that our worth, our meaning, our success should be on par with our peers? Everything in our daily life should tell us differently. Every. single. person comes from their own unique spec of experiences, of stories told and shared, of relationships shaping who they are…but we become blind to the obvious. The obvious being that we are all different and that all of our lives seem perfect and complete in social media. The wonderful magic of editing your life, impressing your peers and racking in the likes. Likes & follows become synonymous with self-worth. You can be rotting inside, ignoring those around you, oblivious to the delight of having the wind blow your hair out of your face…but Kelly142 just left you a sweet comment about your new haircut. We’ve all seen the Nosedive episode of Black Mirror.
This isn’t a PSA. If it is, it’s only directed towards me (hey girl). My inner monologue is cringing right now. It is a firm believer in the catch-and-release theory on life.
Side note –Want a peek inside my head? If you choose yes, stick around. If you choose no, I highly recommend just skipping to after the italics and continuing your day or night with complete understanding of yourself as a person, and the immediate world you live in.
The catch-and-release theory sparked a thought in my head which goes something like this…
There is a known debate on this theory — you catch a fish, then let it go. Some say it’s more humane because you are not actually killing the poor mindless thing, but in reality, you are baiting a fish to stick a sharp object through their skin, certainly causing it fear (pause for a quick search into if it is possible for fish to actually fear — as I feel fear is a reaction to the threat of death, and all of us as animals have the basic instinct of survival, they would most certainly feel fear…but still, let’s check. Ok — so I can’t say that it has been proven, because I don’t care enough to actually properly research this right now, but the three articles I skimmed through say that they do feel fear), and then letting it go back into the depths or shallows of the water. Swimming around in circles with a hole in their face. The conversation about this debate surrounds this idea that people do this as a way of combatting over-harvest (truly understandable) but also for the learning of fishing techniques. Fishing, or any kind of harming of animals, as a sport or hobby, is despicable to me. Overpopulation? How about we talk about the overpopulation of our own species and not having the capabilities of sustaining it and therefore are destroying us and the ecosystem. If you are learning fishing techniques on the basis of survival, then you’d definitely want to skin and eat the fish…for survival.
Oh hey there! If you read that tangent, that small lack of concentration and are still reading this…I command you to DM me and be my friend. Kudos, 6 thousand gold stars, and one large thumbs up emoji. If you didn’t read anything in italics and opted to keep your sanity in tact, I applaud you for your great decision.
I have the sudden urge to conclude this post with the go to ‘ in conclusion the point is’…but I really did not have a point. I was ripping my shirt off (SEO bait baby) with my feelings of confusion. I want to share with the hopes of understanding my inner conflicts better, along with getting to know others who struggle with similar or altogether unfamiliar battles and want to feel connected, understood, and less isolated. That is my dream that I will never sacrifice.
So as the great Fraiser Crane once said, I’m listening…