I am the kind of person to care for others far more than I care for myself. I used to think that this was a great characteristic, but I learned that their is a difference between being selfless and caring for yourself first. I do not know how many times in my life that I have cared so dang much, but just have that compassion used against me and I am left feeling empty, angry at myself, and sad that once again I was used.
This is the one thing that I just cannot seem to learn from. I make the same mistake time and time again. Stand up for yourself girl. Don’t let others blame you for things you have not done. Don’t let others say mean things to you. I say these things in my head over & over, but I still…just never learn.
I recently have felt this on a professional and personal level, one more than the other, and I feel that I have stood up for myself in both instances. Professionally, it was a snap. It was the final straw and I just couldn’t sheepishly apologize again for something that was not my fault, so I didn’t. It was definitely an awkward moment as I do not think the person was expecting it and did not know how to react to this new interaction between the two of us. I was instantly filled with anxiety that I had made a mistake. I had to repeat the exchange to my closest to make sure that I was fine and everything was okay. Although I had a couple of hours of panic and worry, I feel so great about the decision.
The personal situation is very different, but something was said to me and 1.) It shouldn’t have been said at all and 2.) It definitely shouldn’t have been said by this person. I wish that I had said something while the moment was happening, but I was just so taken aback and offended that I edged out — but after spending the entire night crying, I realized I don’t need to explain to the other person what happened. You shouldn’t have to explain to a bully what they have done to be that way. Self-awareness is vital to being a better human and self-reflection is how to get there. If they ask, I will tell them, but there are lines that I would never cross and I’m pretty good at saying goodbye to those that do.
I’m hoping that I will continue to grow and be able to stand up for myself without worry and anxiety afterwards that I have made a mistake. I will get there, with time.